The Reason Behind My Anger

I don't think I will ever understand. I don't think I will ever stop getting angry when i click on these things even though I KNOW BETTER!!!!

See here is the thing. I never used to be how I am now. Crazy, weird, hippie, rebel, against the grain. I used to be like everyone else. I went to my OB's office. I got induced when they said I needed too. I didn't ask questions, I didn't ask more then what they told me. That made me excited that I got to meet my son early! I had my ultra sounds, I got my epidural and pitocin and the cocktail of drugs that made my baby be born sleepy and poor at nursing. AND TO THINK I WAS OK WITH ALL THAT!

The next day after having my son the doctor came into our room and asked if we were going to circumcise. I looked at my hubby and said "I don't know...?" and he said yea and there you have it we signed the papers. I didn't know better and there I was saying I wasn't sure and my intuition was halting me to think but put on the spot I let my husband decide. They said they would have it done the next day before we went home.

We woke up in the night to the nurse saying that Koebe was hungry and needed to eat. I saw a pacifier in his cradle and asked why it was open when i said we are NOT going to use one of those....

"Well the doctor went ahead and did his circ in the middle of the night because they were slow. They like to give them to the babies when they are in pain" Something about that didnt feel right but there you have it. They took my son in the middle of the night and cut off his foreskin when he should have been sleeping peacefully with his mother being protected. I DIDNT PROTECT AND I WAS SO IGNORANT AND DIDNT KNOW ANY BETTER! I LISTENED TO THE DOCTORS AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING THEY SAID.......

Did you watch that video? Did you even start it? I bet you couldn't watch long. And if you circd you probably didnt even have the balls to look. But you should because this is what you put your son through. This is what i put my first son through. ITS HEART WRENCHING...... SO THEN WHY THE HECK CAN YOU CONSENT TO THIS? I totally get people who don't know better. They think it's what you're supposed to do; that it has to be done. ****BUT PEOPLE WHO KNOW BETTER AND STILL DONT DO BETTER?!***** SHAME ON YOU! YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THE RISKS AND INFO AND DID IT.... FOR WHY? Not because its cleaner, it is not. Not because it looks better, because let's face it that is a joke.
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Why on earth would anyone want to inflict pain on their infant. I don't care if they cant remember having it done 10 years later. Your child still had to feel the worst pain of their life at only one day old. My son is "just fine" but guess what...He could still be perfect. (well i think he is perfect but NO his body is no longer intact) His right to his own body was taken from him. You know what? We are one of the lucky ones. Lots of boys are not so lucky. Lots of little boys get botched circumcisions. They have issues like adhesions where their mother has to rip the skin down that tries to re-grow. There are other issues like skin bridges, erectile dysfunction later in life and even outcomes as bad as staph infections and death. out of five friends that I can think of off the top of my head that circd, All but one have adhesion issues, one sons is completely botched (the one that doesn't have adhesion issues, lucky him!) one screamed and was inconsolable for days, and one had to be done twice. Get a grip people this is genital mutilation. I will personally see in my life time that this becomes illegal! Out of all my informed friends who left their sons intact do you want to know how many have issues? NONE!

 

I was wrong and you were too if you consented to this barbaric procedure. Its time people start admitting it. I understand that having this attitude may not change minds but my goodness living with the regret is awful. Having these triggers is awful and watching people go ahead and ignore the fact that their childs has rights is down right infuriating! That is ABUSE. CHILD/SEXUAL/PHYSICAL ABUSE. This is not a choice to be made by the parent but a choice to be made by the owner of the body: THE HUMAN BEING.

 

On the bright happy side. I have recieved message after message from mothers and friends that have thanked me for speaking out. Thanked be because now they are aware of what circ really is and they will leave their sons intact. I have friends who had girls and say they are so glad because before they knew me they probably would have cut. I have friends who didnt listen to me and went ahead and did it again then came back to say they wished they would have listened. Those people are the reason that i am able to fight this fight. The fight protecting those who have rights and cannot speak. I cant save them all but i will never give up. If i have in some way helped you come to the choice to leave your son intact i would love to know.

 

I apologize for the anger and heat behind this post but this has got to stop. The cycle of abuse ends with me.

I was lucky enough to give birth to a second son. Born peacefully on his own time at 42 wks. He was born at home in the water. He was left intact. At 8 months old he is still breastfed and will also wean on his own time

 

When I know better, I do better. My wish is that others do the same.

Koebe's Birth Story.

When I was pregnant with Koebe is was pretty darn "mainstream". I knew how to eat healthy and had a very healthy influence in my life but fact is I was like any other American. I ate fast food, and sweets like they  were going out of style when I was pregnant. I think I made Koebe with Burger King original chicken sandwiches and brownies. That being said looking back I am ashamed of the way I acted.

For my pregnancy care I went through a Ob. I always liked the Ob I saw and then she was rude a few times and liked some of the others in the practice but I ALWAY hated the front desk staff and the lady who dealt with insurance. I had tons of troubles with insurance during my pregnancy. I got dropped and added daily if that is even possible. By about 20 weeks I was getting worried and went to get Title 19 as a back up because I was worried about having a 12k hospital bill because of my insurance's negligence.

My pregnancy went great. I never had morning sickness and I felt pretty good. I had lots of back ache during the end ( thankful scott rubbed my back and feet every night) and the normal round ligament pain that I thought for sure was something awful happening. I called the Doc at any ache and pain like most first time mothers. We decorated the nursery and bought the 600$ pottery barn crib and changing table and dresser to match. We painted a sail boat mural on the wall and I sat in there imagining my baby sleeping in there. (he never has til this day) That what about all the childbirth planning that I did.

When I was 38 weeks I was going into the doctor weekly by then as I was nearing the end of my pregnancy and for some reason that meant more doctor visits. I had been in the hospital a week prior to get monitored and every time I went in I was hoping for a u/s to see my sweet boy. I wasn't complaining I loved going in and hearing I was close and 3 cm dilated and all that Jazz.

So getting to the good stuff, it was January 21st. A Friday. I went in to the Ob to have my 38 week appt and check dilation and everything. I had urine tested and it came back that I had some protein and they checked my blood pressure which was a little high. They checked dilation and I was a 1 or a 3... hell that doesn't matter. They ended up sending me over to the hospital to get my BP monitored. I was there for about an hour and then the doctor came in and said she would just like to induce me. I was full term and she didn't want anything to escalate. So I freaked out cause I wanted them to wait to do anything until Scott went home and got our hospital bags. She said she would get me checked in and break my water and he would be back before anything happened so I let him go home.

They took me to my room, did my IV and broke my water with a plastic hook. It hurt like heck! Scott came back and we waited. I was handling my contractions and breathing through them. We put on "I Love Lucy" and I tried to watch it but was really distracted and nervous for what was going to happen. My cousin Christen stopped up to say hi. She was already at the hospital visiting her other cousin who just had a baby that day. My mom and Doug also stopped up quick to say HI.

The doctor came in and gave me the antibiotics for the group B strep. The antibiotics BURNED going through my veins. Not much later the nurse came in and started me on pitocin. After that I could no longer handle the contractions. I got some pain meds. I'm not sure if it helped because soon after they asked me for a epidural and I took it. Going into it I thought I would only get it if I needed it and knowing that option was there I caved when they asked. After the Epi I felt no pain. I went hours without any pain or discomfort. I tried to sleep and tried to watch "I love Lucy" and then I sat there and watched Scott nap. Lots of waiting. It's funny cause first time mothers worry about getting to the hospital in time and what not and they don't realize that it's a process that *normally* doesn't happen instantly.

After a few hours the epidural was starting to really annoy the heck out of me. I was starting to feel my contractions but in a crampy form in the leg/butt area. It was really weird! I also felt a little nauseous a few times and didn't like having to rotate because I was comfortable until they made me move. Still after being switched around I felt the ache in my left butt/thigh. and on top of it I was STARVING! I asked for food and of course got none. I told the lady I would pass out if I didn't get food and they agreed to some chicken broth.

Nurse came in and checked my dilation. I was a 10. The magic number 10cm. Time to push. The first few pushes we fine. Not much happening not painful. What was painful was people telling me when to push and listening to the 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 over and over and over. When his head came down and I was working on delivering his head is when it started to hurt. The nurse kept telling me how good of a pusher I was. I asked how long people normally push and she said some 20 min and some hours. I was not going to push for hours! I was going to get that baby! I Felt the burn and kept pushing cause I wanted it all to stop. After his head pushed through it was a huge relief. on the next push the rest of him came out. I pushed for a total of 45 minutes.

Koebe Ray Rebel Farrel was brought earth side at 3:45 on January 22nd, 2010. When he was born they set him on my tummy and I got to have my first look at him. He looked just like Scott. They then quickly cut the cord and took him over to the infant area where they wiped him off and suctioned him and got him all bundled up.

As Koebe was getting weight and foot prints done I was getting a small tear sewn up. after all that I told them I wanted to nurse him. It was very important to me that this be done as soon as possible. He did not latch on right away and I had to listen to this lady tell me hold your boob like a "sub" sandwich... blah blah blah. Finally I got him to latch on and he ate for a little bit.

All was well and then I wanted to get up and use the bathroom. I'm not sure but that may have been more painful then pushing out his little head. It burned very bad and my tear stung. This is the main thing I remember about after birth. I did not leave my bed unless I had to shower or use the restroom and every time I dreaded it because it hurt so bad to pee. I remember this for at least a week after we were home and I think it was close to 2.

Looking back now there is nothing about this birth that I would have done the same. or pregnancy for that matter. #1 I would have looking more closely at child birth and my options. #2 I would have never gotten induced unless they proved to me I really did have pre eclampsia #3 NO PITOCIN NO EPIDURAL... I could go on for days about everything I did wrong but when you know better you do better and my next birth story will be 110% different from this one. Sorry Koebe. I feel like I let you down. I am thankful you are such a happy and healthy boy. The guilt would be overwhelming had this not been the case. You may have had a unhealthy start but at 18 months you are such a handsome,happy, healthy (only been sick ONE TIME) little man!