The Reason Behind My Anger

I don't think I will ever understand. I don't think I will ever stop getting angry when i click on these things even though I KNOW BETTER!!!!

See here is the thing. I never used to be how I am now. Crazy, weird, hippie, rebel, against the grain. I used to be like everyone else. I went to my OB's office. I got induced when they said I needed too. I didn't ask questions, I didn't ask more then what they told me. That made me excited that I got to meet my son early! I had my ultra sounds, I got my epidural and pitocin and the cocktail of drugs that made my baby be born sleepy and poor at nursing. AND TO THINK I WAS OK WITH ALL THAT!

The next day after having my son the doctor came into our room and asked if we were going to circumcise. I looked at my hubby and said "I don't know...?" and he said yea and there you have it we signed the papers. I didn't know better and there I was saying I wasn't sure and my intuition was halting me to think but put on the spot I let my husband decide. They said they would have it done the next day before we went home.

We woke up in the night to the nurse saying that Koebe was hungry and needed to eat. I saw a pacifier in his cradle and asked why it was open when i said we are NOT going to use one of those....

"Well the doctor went ahead and did his circ in the middle of the night because they were slow. They like to give them to the babies when they are in pain" Something about that didnt feel right but there you have it. They took my son in the middle of the night and cut off his foreskin when he should have been sleeping peacefully with his mother being protected. I DIDNT PROTECT AND I WAS SO IGNORANT AND DIDNT KNOW ANY BETTER! I LISTENED TO THE DOCTORS AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING THEY SAID.......

Did you watch that video? Did you even start it? I bet you couldn't watch long. And if you circd you probably didnt even have the balls to look. But you should because this is what you put your son through. This is what i put my first son through. ITS HEART WRENCHING...... SO THEN WHY THE HECK CAN YOU CONSENT TO THIS? I totally get people who don't know better. They think it's what you're supposed to do; that it has to be done. ****BUT PEOPLE WHO KNOW BETTER AND STILL DONT DO BETTER?!***** SHAME ON YOU! YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THE RISKS AND INFO AND DID IT.... FOR WHY? Not because its cleaner, it is not. Not because it looks better, because let's face it that is a joke.
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Why on earth would anyone want to inflict pain on their infant. I don't care if they cant remember having it done 10 years later. Your child still had to feel the worst pain of their life at only one day old. My son is "just fine" but guess what...He could still be perfect. (well i think he is perfect but NO his body is no longer intact) His right to his own body was taken from him. You know what? We are one of the lucky ones. Lots of boys are not so lucky. Lots of little boys get botched circumcisions. They have issues like adhesions where their mother has to rip the skin down that tries to re-grow. There are other issues like skin bridges, erectile dysfunction later in life and even outcomes as bad as staph infections and death. out of five friends that I can think of off the top of my head that circd, All but one have adhesion issues, one sons is completely botched (the one that doesn't have adhesion issues, lucky him!) one screamed and was inconsolable for days, and one had to be done twice. Get a grip people this is genital mutilation. I will personally see in my life time that this becomes illegal! Out of all my informed friends who left their sons intact do you want to know how many have issues? NONE!

 

I was wrong and you were too if you consented to this barbaric procedure. Its time people start admitting it. I understand that having this attitude may not change minds but my goodness living with the regret is awful. Having these triggers is awful and watching people go ahead and ignore the fact that their childs has rights is down right infuriating! That is ABUSE. CHILD/SEXUAL/PHYSICAL ABUSE. This is not a choice to be made by the parent but a choice to be made by the owner of the body: THE HUMAN BEING.

 

On the bright happy side. I have recieved message after message from mothers and friends that have thanked me for speaking out. Thanked be because now they are aware of what circ really is and they will leave their sons intact. I have friends who had girls and say they are so glad because before they knew me they probably would have cut. I have friends who didnt listen to me and went ahead and did it again then came back to say they wished they would have listened. Those people are the reason that i am able to fight this fight. The fight protecting those who have rights and cannot speak. I cant save them all but i will never give up. If i have in some way helped you come to the choice to leave your son intact i would love to know.

 

I apologize for the anger and heat behind this post but this has got to stop. The cycle of abuse ends with me.

I was lucky enough to give birth to a second son. Born peacefully on his own time at 42 wks. He was born at home in the water. He was left intact. At 8 months old he is still breastfed and will also wean on his own time

 

When I know better, I do better. My wish is that others do the same.

My homebirth slideshow

The Homebirth of Cypress

WhAm BAM Thank You Ma'am!

AKA The Birth Of Cypress Dale Danger Farrel

PREGNANCY

So the story begins on June 5^th, 2011. I went out to my mom’s house to go boating and hang out and enjoy the lake. Of course she had other plans for me. The boat house needed cleaning and the lake lot needed picked up. I think Koebe had gone down for nap because he surely had to be with me. Or was it a weekend? Meh minor details. So I was pulling weeds and the heat was really bothering me. So I thought that was a little “off”. I remember when I was pregnant with Koebe walking from the beach in Grand Cayman that I thought I would pass out from the heat. Both pregnancies this happened and I didn’t know that I was pregnant yet. I told my mom that I had enough and I think got pissed at her that I wasn’t boating and went home. When I got home I remembered the heat bothering me and figured I would POAS since we had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 6 months at this point. It was right around Thanksgiving time that Scott finally caved to my NEEDING another babe ;)

I couldn’t believe it ! There was finally another line on that test! It was a weird docs office style test so I wasn’t 100% sure but got on line and double checked how to read the test and sure enough WE’RE PREGNANT!

Pregnancy was great and uneventful. Spent a week in Florida with my mom and grandma (that was hell) but got to lay on the beach and bake some and enjoy my last chance vacation before I had a new nursling. Did much better this pregnancy with diet and weight gain and all around healthier. I even worked out regularly for a few weeks there…. Still had to cave to a entire bag of Milano cookies here and there and of course chocolate ice cream. I also had half of a beer at the bar when I went out with my girl friends **GASP**! Towards the end I was eating fewer sweets and then NEEDED an occasional filet o’ fish from the nastiest fast-food joint around. Over all I did much better. I was proud of myself for not gaining 75lbs again like I did with Koebe ;) I set my goals within reach…I am not even sure what I gained this time cause I forgot to weigh myself before I gave birth. I also forgot to get a final belly picture but now none of that matters.

Crocheting wool longies.

My due date came and went. I was sure that it wouldn’t be much longer. I was pretty uncomfortable. Getting out of bed was a joke, and so was doing anything that involved getting up from any position sitting or standing. I went and got pedicures weekly with grandma because I needed pampered! I was getting to be “over it all”. i crocheted 4 pairs of pants and each time i started a new project i thought surely i wont get these finished in time. ....I went to the chiropractor, got a massage, did some acupressure then at 41 wks acupuncture. I EVEN HAD SEX FOR CRIPES SAKE! TWICE!  The full moon came and went and THEN!

THE BIRTH

On February 9^th, 2012 at 6:00 am I woke up to my normal “wake up” contraction. Seemed like the past few days to a week I would wake up and have a lower “cramp” for a few minutes that would go away. That was about the extent of the painful ones. I had lots of Braxton hicks but not many painful or regular. I think the most ACTION I got was strong Braxton hicks every 10-15 mins for a 2 hour period. I didn’t think too much of this one this morning. I went and laid back down next to Koebe and I had another and it was painful to where I just couldn’t lay there with him I had to move a little. I went down to talk to scott as he got ready to leave for work. I was expressing my deep frustration that I was still pregnant and had to go through ANOTHER day of toddler wrestling all by myself. He asked if I wanted him to stay home and I said no cause I wanted him to save his PTO. Then I had another and he asked again before leaving. I said no “go” because if you stay ill jinx everything and they will stop. Well I had another two painful contractions and called him and said to come back. I didn’t care if I jinxed myself I wasn’t going to man handle a 2 year old feeling like that all day. I got in the shower and scott got back home and went back to bed with Koebe and I then got in my birth tub. I had a feeling that this was it and texted my aunt and gave her a heads up and texted brandy to tell her I THINK im in labor. I was scared to tell anyone else unitl I was 100% certain. Koebe woke up and it was good to hear his voice when he walked in and said “HI MOMMY!” Then the contraction came and I needed him away. Scott changed him next to me in the tub and it was fine until a contraction came. Then I was bothered by the smell and Koebe fighting the diaper change and then got poop on the carpet… GO FIGGURE! Scott had to then get out the carpet cleaner and clean that which also stunk and Koebe was trying to put toys in the tub with me…  I needed them out of there! HOW DO PEOPLE BIRTH WITH CHILDREN AT HOME?! I give guggie props on this one. Totally not my thing. So at this point I knew I needed to eat something so scott put me in some meat loaf as I requested and I ate PB crackers to tide me over (I never made it to the meat loaf) . I called brandy to talk between my 6-7 gap contractions and she seemed like she was rearing to come hang out so I said come on over. Might as well hang out a while. And plus she was going to bring me and scott starbucks. I needed my choc milk fix ;) The contractions kept coming so I called cossette and described things and asked if It could be the real thing. She said to ride it out and see. She asked if I had bloody show and I said no and then started to doubt if this was real labor. I knew it was but still doubted myself. I let my doula know and the others that were coming to my birth that I was in early labor. This was around 8 or so. It was still super early so everyone went on with their day as usual until things picked up. Brandy got to the house about 9-9:30. Shortly after my aunt Kathy came to get Koebe and I remember thinking that her and Koebe couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She was talking while I was contracting and that was HELL. They finally left and I told brandy THANK GAWD!  We were sitting in the living room and I told brandy I was struggling mentally and she said how? I told her I was scared and she gave me a serious look and said “YOU BETTER GET THAT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD!” (yes ma’am!)

Water broke!

 I had been sitting on the couch in a towel and thought  id go up and get a little decent and then come down and sit on my birth ball that brandy brought in for me to use.  I made it to the upstairs toilet and had to sit. Had a contraction or two that were pretty strong. I remember thinking I wish scott and brandy would shush up their talking. It was making contractions harder. Then I felt my water break. Brandy was awesome and made sure to take note of the time. At 10:15 I believe. She also came up took some video footage of me laboring on the toilet (haha) HOW CONVIENIENT TO BE ON THE TOILET !! I remember thinking ok so this is definitely real labor and there is no turning back now. Then I thought SHIT! I didn’t want my water to break because I was group B positive and if it broke early then id opt in for the antibiotics. If it broke at the end I wouldn’t. Then I looked and saw that it was crystal clear and had vernix in it.  I took a picture of the toilet water with my amniotic fluid in it… typical birth junkie ;). I texted my doula andrea what happened. My very next contraction got intense. Right after It I texted andrea (doula/ Photographer) and Andrea #2 who was coming to aid andrea #1 in getting my birth on photo record. I let them know it was time to come.The next contractions I remember it aching my back BAD. I put my fists behind my back and rocked back on the toilet to massage my back. Then scott and brandy came up and I had to move. I went to the bedroom and got on all fours leaning on the edge of the bed and had scott apply counter pressure. I knew not to do one  thing to long and to try different techniques and positions to see what works best. Scott got me through one and a half contractions then I wanted him off my back. Then I had him rub my neck and shoulders and that got me through a couple. I was shaking and I didn’t know it but I was at this point in or very close to transition. Brandy didn’t know either. I was so calm and I wasn’t loud or saying crazy things. I never demanded pain meds or said I needed an epidural like a lot of homebirthers do. I was quiet and internal with my thoughts of how crazy I thought I was for doing this. I was scared. I thought its this bad now how much worse will it get?! I had to get down to the tub.

Scott massaging my arms to distract me from contraction.

 Once I got in the tub my contractions kept getting more intense. I thought OH MY GOD will I live? I didn’t tell them that because I knew what brandy would say. HA! My mental game was weak from the beginning. Before brandy even got there this morning I was telling scott “im scared. Im scared…. “It was nice to have brandy and scott there to remind me that I was strong and made to do this. I kept saying positive things in my head even though I wasn’t convincing myself well. Once in the tub scott turned on my CHANTING CHAKRAS cd that I borrowed from willowsong. I asked him to turn it down immediately and he did as told. I liked the faint background noise. GREAT JOB SCOTT! He was thinking about things he knew I wanted but I was forgetting. I can’t get over how supportive he and brandy were and how well they worked together.

Feeling for babies head

A few minutes after I got in my tub I heard the door open and in came Kari (midwife) carrying all her gear. I was relieved to see her. A short time after that Cossette (midwife) also arrived. Kari and Cossette got all their stuff set up. Kari got out the Doppler to listen to baby and baby was fine. She then said she wanted to listen to him during a contraction and put it on my belly and I remember wanting her to get that thing OFF OF ME!!! My contractions were getting very tough and she was putting pressure on me! ( I actually think she was just holding it there but it felt like it was jabbing into me) They asked me a few little things and then left me alone for a few minutes and then I had a contraction and felt grunty and pushy. I grunted with a contracting and it scared me cause *I* was not doing the grunting… my body was! I think out of everything that happened this is what shocked me the most. How I could make noises and my body “push” when I didn’t tell it to. My body KNEW what to do. I just had to sit there and let it happen. It’s the weirdest sensation to have your body do something that dramatic and have it happen invoulentary. The last few contractions I had my body grunted and pushed. I remember it feeling good to push and that I couldn’t believe it was all happening so fast. I was scared to reach down and feel baby for fear that my woman parts would feel so messed up. I felt anyways. I would feel babies head moving out and back in. Feeling the baby come out and feeling the progress I think helped mentally. At this point heather walked in and said some reassuring words and I think andrea my doula came about this time too? Im not 100% sure on it all I was in baby birthing lala land. I just remember Heather kneeling down holding my hand and telling me I was strong. I also remember apologizing to both andreas whenever they got there because I felt bad that they missed it.

After a few INVOULUNTARY pushed I birthed babies head. After the head was out my contractions stopped and I didn’t feel pushy any more. I was thinking YAY! A break! Some time during this I wanted scott in the tub with me.I wanted him close. I was kinda laying back in my tub at this point waiting for the next pushy urge and it never came. I remember feeling like babies head was floating up and it put pressure on me and I didn’t like the feeling… I hear cossette call out THREE MINUTES. At this point Kari told me I need to stand up and push out this baby. Baby had been sitting with its head out of me for 3 minutes and if it went on much longer it would be a risk to the baby. This is the one time that I had to make my body push. I bared down and pushed and it felt like it was a lost cause. It didn’t feel like I was even pushing. It was like my mind said push but my body didn’t budge. Maybe it was because it was very different from the invouluntary pushes my body did. They were very productive pushed again is was not. I finally pushed again and baby came out with the assistance of my midwife kari. Scott did not get to catch baby because of the urgency of the situation.

POST PARTUM

Once baby came out they had a board they were holding up behind me they set him on. He needed assistance breathing bc his head was out so long before I delivered the rest of the body. I remember having to stand there bend over with baby still attached to cord while they gave him some O2 behind me. I couldn’t see anything and I was wishing that they were doing this infront of me. I remember baby being purple-ish but I remember not being scared at all because I knew my midwives were fully capable of doing their job and I knew that everything would be fine. In all honesty I didn’t know they were resuscitating him. I tried looking behind me to see the sex and I couldn’t so I asked scott what it was. “IT’S A BOY!” he said a little choked up. NO FREAKING WAY!

Once baby was breathing well on his own, only took a minute or so we got him in front of me so I could hold him. Scott, I and baby boy sat down in the water and met for the first time. “I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE A PERFECT INTACT LITTLE BOY!” and of course I had to check out his perfect healthy little penis. Everyone laughed that these were the only things I had to say J The whole pregnancy I wanted a boy so bad. I wanted a boy so that I could make the right choice and leave him intact. Ive delt with strong regret in circumcising Koebe. Ive cried and cried and regretted deeply that I let that be done to him. I felt that being able to leave my next son intact would help me heal. Im not sure if it did or not. I think in a way it did. I was so happy that a boy was born into this world who wouldn’t have to endure pain just because he was born a male. Scott and I were thrilled to have another boy. We sat in the tub holding and bonding. We sat there until his cord stopped pulsing. Then, because his cord was so short, we cut his cord so I could hold him on my chest. He had already gotten all of his blood out of the cord. He was pink and beautiful. Even his bruised forehead J

After a few minutes I handed scott our son. I needed to birth the placenta. I gave a very gental tug on the cord to see if it was detached and a few minutes later I pushed it out. It fell into the birth tub and I picked it up really quick cause I didn’t want it in the water LOL! It was nice to finally be done. Scott and I sat with baby in the warm tub while Everyone looked over my placenta. It was big and healthy and scott and I looked over the edge of the tub to view it. I doubt you would see 9 people oogling over a placenta in the hospital ;)

My beautiful heart shaped placenta.

I was ready to get out of the tub and go up and get a shower in. Laura came up and ran the water for me. She sat there and made sure everything was fine. Andrea also came up to make sure I had everything I needed and Heather brought me up coconut water and asked me what I wanted for my for my meal. I told her where everything was and she went down and started making sweet corn chowder. I sat in the shower a while because I was so comfortable and content and it felt so good to have the hot water running over me. After about 10-15 minutes Kari came up and said I needed to go down and nurse my baby BOY. (he had been down skin to skin with scott while I showered) Laura helped me get out, get dried off and get my sexy mesh panties on while heather found the clothes that I requested to wear.

It was so special to walk down the stairs to see scott and Baby sitting on the couch all snuggled under a blanket, and a spot next to them all prepared for me to spend the rest of the day. I sat down and I was so thankful for all the people who came to help me. All I had to do was birth my baby. After that everyone took care of me. I was helped to bathe, lunch was made for me, brandy and Andrea O took pictures, heather and andrea kept making sure I was drinking water and had everything I needed, my laundry was done and kitchen was cleaned. I wanted panera and Heather ran and got that for all of us.

baby was checked out, weighed and measured. He was 8 pounds 14 oz. 21 inches long and guessed to be born at about 39 wks. He had a little bit of a heart murmur but Cossette said that would close up withen 24 hrs and it was nothing to worry about. If he turned blue-ish or had trouble breathing then I should take him in right away. We were told to check his temperature every so often to make sure that was good, just like they do in the hospital. Kari sat down and filled out the paper work on my birth and everything kinda died down. Cypress had his very first adjustment from his chiropractor just a couple hours after birth. Little by little everyone started to leave. Cossette was the last to leave and Brandy stayed and hung out for a little while after. Scott and Brandy were the two of the most supportive people in my birth. They were both there from the beginning and helped me out so much. Of course everyone helped a ton and im thankful for every single one of them. I wish I was able to get my doula here sooner and my chiropractor was going to adjust me in labor but none of us expected my labor to only be a few hours long! It was only like 3 hrs of active labor and 9 minutes of pushing. CANT GO WRONG THERE J I have had a medicated epidural hospital birth and a unmedicated all natural homebirth. WHICH WAS EASIER? ALL NATURAL HOMEBIRTH ALL THE WAY. I have experienced both sides and i say hands down being in the comfort of my own home, with my hubby and friends, support and love. Now that i have seen and experienced both ways i can honestly say i would be very fearful to be in a hospital again. I <3 HOMEBIRTH! nothing shy of amazing!

CYPRESS DALE DANGER FARREL WELCOME TO THE WORLD!

I HAVE HUGE THANKS AND APPRECIATION FOR: Scott, Brandy, Kari, Cossette, Laura, Heather, Andrea S, and Andrea O. Every single one of these people was a HUGE help and made everything about this day PERFECT. I couldn’t ask for a better birth. It was nothing shy of perfect.

COMING SOON…. My Baby moon story. Where all the drama went down. To give you a little taste we will be talking about a NICU stay that was 100% unnecessary and DHS visits…. My birth was way too easy and uneventful to end there. It was way too simple. Life had to throw a curve ball. ;)