When I got pregnant with Koebe I didn't research anything about breastfeeding. As you can gather from his birth story I didn't look into much. In my mind I thought you put your breast in the baby's mouth and nursing just happened. I was one of the first of my friends to have babies and my only other friend with a kid quit breastfeeding cause her baby had reflux. (which is NEVER a reason to quit as formula just makes it worse....) anyone I had no resources or support outside of my Mom, grandma, aunt and of course Scott. I had no idea where to turn if I had issues and I thought that a nurse and doctor could be my help. I was so wrong.
After I gave birth I knew I wanted to nurse Koebe as soon as possible. I nursed him as soon as they would let me. I put my nipple in his mouth the way I was instructed and he didn't know what to do. He had a medicated birth and I was tense with people watching and I didn't know what I was doing. I expected it to just work. Within a few minutes I got him to nurse. he went for a few minutes then they transferred us to our room. While in the hospital I did as they said. nurse 10-15 min on one side and then switch. I did this every 2 hours. I didn't do skin to skin time, I didn't nurse on demand, I didn't get to co-sleep and I used the nursery. I was miserable. I hurt and it was all around a awful experience.
The night before we went home, they took my baby in the night and circumcised him. ( I will not explain this choice at this point just know I have the most regret a mother could have about this and will be addressed in a later post)
When we went home I nursed Koebe every 2 hours and woke him up every 3-4 hours at night to nurse him. he would scream and fight me every time I got him in the football hold. My baby was refusing me. It wasn't until months and months later that I realized why. He was in pain. His penis was hurt. Sometimes he just wanted to sleep so I did as I was told and stripped him down and woke him up even more and messed with him to wake him enough to eat.
On day 2 I took Koebe to his pediatrician Dr. Al-durrah. (When I interviewed her she said she breastfed her children for about a month and then couldn't any longer) At Koebe's appt they pricked his heal to check his belirubin (sp?). The doctor said that it was high and that he had mild breastmilk jaundice. She suggested I give him some formula in a bottle until my milk comes in (BOOBIE TRAP). I told her NO WAY! my baby is not getting formula. She suggested I pump and give him some in a bottle so I could flush his system. Against all my gut feelings I did. On the third day my milk came in.
Scott got out the breast pump one night so that I could give that a try so I could store up some milk. I didn't want to touch the thing it was intimidating. He read the instructions boiled it all and showed me how to use it. Most of this time was a blur. On the third day my milk came in. I was sleep deprived and pretty depressed about nursing and anything going on. I would cry and throw a fit over silly things and poor Scott dealt with my crazy hormone induced emotions. Nursing continued this way for about a week. My baby fought me when I was trying to give him the best thing in the world that he could he. he was denying me as him mommy.
One day I was crying about spilt milk or something else just as ridiculous and Scott said "babe, why don't you just pump and give it to him in a bottle and see if he takes it and maybe he won't fight you" THIS CONVERSATION STILL HAUNTS ME 19 MONTHS LATER. As much as I didn't want to do this I felt like I didn't know what else to do. I did it. I gave my baby his first bottle. Then it was all ok. my baby ate, I pumped and it was what I thought was easier. I however would not allow Scott to feed him. I am the mommy, I make the milk and it's MY job to feed our child. One of the times I was pissed off at Scott again with my crazy mommy hormones and it was time for Koebe to eat and he gave him a bottle of breastmilk. I was furious and cried. It was my job. for the next week I nursed and gave him a bottle. sometimes it was just easier to give him a bottle so I started nursing him less and pumping more cause he didn't fight the bottle. I didn't have to hold him in a way that hurt him and I didn't have to have him fight me.
I was running errands with my grandma and told her I was thinking about just pumping. She said NO. call the La Leche League and talk to them. I never did. I did finally call a LC at the hospital and she didn't call me back. I had made up my mind. I couldn't bare him refusing me. I know I had some PPD and that was effecting it and making it worse. I started to nurse less and less and then it got to the point where I would hardly do it at all. pumping was working and he was getting breastmilk and I made that ok in my mind. The last time I remember nursing him and not having a huge problem was when Scotts parents visited around valentine's day. I remember going up to pump and I took Koebe and just tried for the hell of it. and he did. Foresight is 20/20. I should have stopped pumping and worked hard at getting him back to the breast. I should have listened to my grandma and my mom when they said just keep working with him.
In April 2010 I went to the natural living expo. Scott had been nagging me to go to the chiropractor for months and I wanted to but didn't make it a high priority. After all if someone "fixed" me I wouldn't be needing those amazing back massages nightly. Walking though the expo we stopped and talked to a chiropractor. They were doing a special and they would have my first appt be 45$. I signed up and made an appt. at Yost Family Chiropractic. At my first about we did the initial exam and talked about my nursing and Dr. Heather Yost told me I should try and get him to nurse and it is possible. I tried and he refused of course. Dr. Heather does mommy and me meet ups and I went to my first one. She talked about healthier options for raising children. She talked about introducing food, allergies, ADD, autism and other like things. She had all her books out for us to look at and she recommended one on vaccines and one called "smart medicine for a healthier child". I went home to half.com and I ordered several that she recommended. I don't think it was just by chance that I stumbled upon this Doctor at the expo. Dr. Heather Yost has cared so much about her patients to inform them or lead them to inform themselves and has truly changed my life. The local LLL Natalie was also a huge help when I was going through all of this. This may seem a little off topic from nursing but it has everything to do with it. They had always supported me nursing or pumping and has offered me every resource to help me get Koebe back to the breast. I think if I would have given it my all from the moment they suggested things I would be nursing right now. BUT, you think at the time the world is impossible and it's too late.
I tried everything to get Koebe back to the breast but it was just too late I think. I tried the SNS, I tried having a friend nurse Koebe and I tried nursing her son and Koebe didn't care. I nursed my niece in front of him and more times than I can count I nursed friends babies for them so they could leave their baby and Koebe never cared. I tried lots of skin to skin and recreating the birth experience for him. I always said I tried everything but starving him and then at about 9 months I tried that. We went 26 hours with no bottle and nothing but water in a cup and a couple black beans. I was told by several respected chiropractors that in 72 hours (or was it 48) that any baby would start to nurse. I did get him to come to be to get milk but he saw the nipple and then didn't want to any more. I got him to nurse with a bottle nipple over mine. I went to Dr. Heathers and she tried nursing him and it was not working. We went to bed that night and when Koebe woke up hungry at 2am I bawled and went down and thawed him the biggest bottle he ever drank. I cried and told him how sorry I was. I was sorry that I quit nursing him and I am sorry for how hard I tried to get him to nurse again. That was my last go around.
With the help of several moms and Eats On Feet and Human Milk 4 Human Babies I continued to pump and supplement with donor milk for 16 and a half months. For about 6 months on I had struggled with supply. I drank tons of water, ate oatmeal, took fenugreek, blessed thistle, stinging nettles, nursing support capsules, nursing concoctions, dark beer, you name it I tried it. I did positive affirmation, everything. My supply was so up and down and stressing me out. Finally at 16 months my supply took another hit. I was getting 1.5 oz out of each side in the mornings. when I should have gotten at least 3 at this point which too was pretty pitiful. For a few days I told Scott the end was near. I couldn't keep doing this. I did more than most moms ever had when I came to nursing and gave my baby breastmilk longer than 90% of American mothers. Soon after I quit pumping. I told Scott "TAKE THAT FUCKING THING DOWNSTAIRS AND PUT IT IN THE FARTHEST CORNER YOU CAN FIND!" I was proud of myself for making it that long and I was finally done.
I haven't pumped in almost 3 months and I still sometimes find myself wondering when I pumped last or having the sudden thought "oh crap I need to pump". My son at 19 months now still gets breastmilk. towards the end of me pumping I was freezing most of what I made and also paying it forward by donating to friends who needed it. But I saved some for me. I also have some donor milk that I still use.
After 16 months of pumping while driving, pumping in airport bathrooms, GOING THROUGH # BREATPUMPS COSTING 280$ EACH, pumping in a secluded room, pumping every 2 hours, thinking about pumping 24 hrs a day. I was done. Come to find out my final supply drop was because WE ARE PREGNANT! I am not 16 weeks along and sooooo looking forward to nursing and to continue to pump so Koebe can get breastmilk long after my frozen milk runs out. I hope with everything I have that he will want to nurse when he sees him new baby doing it too. He knows where milk comes from and he would even come over and let me squirt it in his mouth. even still he comes over to me in the morning and signals "more" at my nipple cause he wants some but all that's left is colostrum and he will just have to wait.
So that is how nursing was for me and how it never will be again. People wonder why I am so passionate about breastmilk well it's because I went to hell and back so that I could do what's best for my son and I think that everyone else should be doing the best for theirs. There is no doubt that Breast is and will always be best.
***MY SON HAS NEVER EVER RECIEVED A DROP OF FORMULA! :)***
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